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tv   At Midnight With Chris Hardwick  Comedy Central  June 23, 2015 2:13am-2:44am PDT

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[ male announcer ] give extra. get extra. >> larry: that's our show. thank jordan carlos, riki lindhome. and gayle king. check us out on facebook to keep track. and join me tomorrow night. goodnight everyone. [ applause ] it's 11:5 the an 59 seconds happened on wtf pod
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president obama was on inn highland park to hang out in the garage of @midnight regular and hip strp grinch mar maron. his fantastic pod cast. now the president on a pod cast is pretty [bleep] cool. i mean you know it's funny because marc an i both do pod casts so all day long people are ar@'s at marc maron on potus your move. >> we have had pretty cool people. we had a beatle we will a terminator. we had a pav rick. we had a mel brooks we had muppet we had oscar winner hillary swank we had god who by the way-- (applause) to be fair to be fair was actually the first black president on a pod cast. deep impact. but i do have to say when i first heard that mar,-- marc was getting the president i'm if the going to lie i i am i was jealousing i wanted
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president, oh man marc is a phenomenal pod caster and excellent interviewer and i knew we do a really good job. i think it's really important that marc getting the president on the pod cast raises the water level for everyone. so i just want you to know parring, i was petty about it for like 30 seconds but i have to say i tip my hat to you and i submit that you have indeed won pod castingment congratulations. slaus slaus (applause) so now i'm sure you're superhappy right? nope? i guess not. all right. not happy not happy. >> what kind of selfie is that marc? >> i don't know. >> so the potus on a pod cast really is the dawn of a newera and new generation in politics. so comedians what is obama's next move to appeal to young add rens-- audiences on social media. sarah schaefer go. >> he will write an outrage think piece about the route rage over the uproar of the
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hot take trigger war. >> i agree with that. >> (applause) >> i think he's going to swipe left for hillary. (laughter) >> ranee. >> i hope he gets into a twitter war with a jug allow about -- >> please do that. >> condition gratlationsíx to you marc, and thank you mr. president, it's time to start @midnight. (cheers and applause) captioning sponsored by comedy central welcome to @midnight. i'm chris hardwick. tonight's comedians are performing at the catfish and comedy festival in savannah tennessee june 27th sara schaefer. maas plaus from you're doing it wrong on pbs digital jason sklar. plus plaus and performing at helium comedy club in
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buffalo, new york july ifrd to the 25th. randy sklar. (applause) >> we'll be there together. >> i'm just going to go jay is going to skype in. >> is that how it works. >> yes, i wish. >> you guy does get the double credit there when we do announcements. >> the best part is getting a double credit is we get to split the pun. >> perfect. >> it's wonderful. >> on everything we do. >> i know comedy clubs try to pay yous alike one person. >> oh yeah. >> the same for me because i'm a woman. >> oh [bleep]. oh man. >> we feel you. we feel you. >> you get me. >> you know i wish that wasn't true butted goddamn t it's [bleep] true. >> so sad. >> all right. ripped from today's internethead lines it's rapid refresh. plus plaus plaution (applause) >> the musician and collarbone model taylor swift went to war with apple for not paying force music
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stream during the free trial period. saying she would to the stream her apple 1989 unless apple started paying artists for you know their work [bleep] guess what t totally worked, this is a quote apple music will pay artists for streaming even during the free trial period we hear you taylor swift and endie arts. love apple. >> really made your last album on sub popp. >> sometimes all you need to do is have one of the most powerful an popular woman on earth threaten to take your balls and go home. taylor is known for immortallizing her enemies in song. what are some song lyrics from a song she might write about apple. sara. >> i don't know about you ♪ ♪ but i'm thinking about a soon ♪ ♪-- suein ♪ ♪ we are never ever ever ever, ever going to buy
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apple care because that say rippoff. >> all right. moving on. nothing says summertime like a day at the ballpark. the crack of the bat the national anthem a diseased rodent falling into your nachos. exactly what happened friday night's game against the card nells when a squirrel managed to crawl along the protective netting and into the crowd. watch this business. >> here you go. up here what is he going to do he's very high. he's not going to do anything, what the [bleep] are you doing? and then everyone starts to shall it --. >> oh god. >> like everyone just empties out right there. philadelphias have not chicked in horror since finding out the crack in the liberty bell was not smokeable. (applause) >> i love phillie. >> me to me too. don't worry it's still [bleep]able. >> now the squirrel was found and immediately used to make a cheesesteak but cheese widz put it on there. >> but philadelphia sports
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fans have a reputation for being onery and blunt honest to a fault if you will. they did once throw batteries at a santa claus. in their defense it was not the real santa claus. comedians as be unqoout phillie sports fan berate this squirrel. >> hey squirrel. >> what is that? >> what is that? >> hold on. >> hey squirrel i got a couple of acorns you can nibble on you furry jerkoff. >> amazing. points. >> i'm really sorry philadelphia, i just performed there and everyone is real nice you don't deserve this. that is the end of rapid refresh. it's time for tonight's hashtag wars. rejoice the summer music test val season is upon us.
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great news for people who love paying $20 for a bottle of water and seeing 15 minutes of your favorite band from two miles away. in honor of-- while throwing up from heat stroke. >> in honor of these multiband musical megashows the hashtag is lamesupergroups. >> yeah. >> examples might be iggy pop zalea. or mariah careeo speed wagon. begin. >> bare naked lady gaga. >> points. >> sara. >> threes the doors down. >> the red hot vanili peppers. >> points. >> randy. >> raise against florence and the machine. >> sara. >> nicki minaj amiraqui. >> the pointer sisters of a down. >> sara.
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>> lou creed. >> oh that's so good. >> randy. >> elton john cougar melen camper van beethoven. >> amazing. >> you strung three together i will give you double points for that randy. >> jason. >> cheap tricki minaj. >> points. >> cream corn. >> yes, points. >> that's the end of the hashtag send your hashtag tag themmate midnight to keep the game going. we'll be right back with more @midnight. the our last hashtag war
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. >> welcome back to @midnight. if you were going to comic condition this year i'm doing stand-up july 10th at the billion-- balance boa theater and two nerd pod casts, go to ticketmaster.com or fun comfortable tickets.com. i'm so excited for comic con this year. i can't wait. to the going to sleep. >> why? why it's not like there is a new star wars movie coming out? >> what! >> or anything. >> what! >> all right. okay forget about it it's a couple of weeks away. it's time to play real-ty bites. >> let's get one thing straight, real estate is a
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cutthroat business financialo you want to make it as a top agent you better have a slick head shot i know my mom has been a realtor for 30 year aad@nerbdist mom buy a house from her. who will take you serious leif you haven't been photographed holding a giant cell phone or frowning into the distancement i will show you a real estate agent head shot and for 250 points i want you to tell me the tag line on their bus stop bench ad. first up, this one. what is that that-- you guys know peachy rudberg. >> i'm not wearing any spanx. >> points. >> and for the record her business card says everything i touch turns to borsch. >> jason. >> fyi the carpet does not match the drapes. but they are tastefully paired.
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points. >> well i mean i don't know if there is a carpet it's probably more peachy fuzz. >> you know that deserves way more. it really did. >> i had to turn away. >> next one this beigely duo. huh? >> sara. >> we matched our shirts to each other's faces. (applause) >> next one. >> grandpa doubtful here. >> i died 57 years ago. points. >> i'm sorry, i didn't make it to century 21.
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>> still looking for my wife's killer. >> next one this ghent wow this one. >> yes. >> throw me the idol. i throw you the house. throw me the idol. i throw you a house. and how amazing would it be if he sold real estate in indiana. >> last one. >> this obviously deceased woman. >> no she's gone let her go. >> randy. >> we switched souls and now i can [bleep] wherever i want. >> points. >> jay. >> one of sus a real bitch the other one got neutered on tuesday.
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>> still you don't know. sara. >> i'll fetch you a house god i'm lonely. >> points. that is the end of realty bites, it's time for our live challenge. time of your lifetime. (applause) >> lifetime blasted the internet mind hole when it aired a deadly adoption -- adaption. seen with chuck norris and one of the olsen twins. this was this doesn't look like a movie-- so what this actually was was obviously will ferrell kristen wiig did you watch it on saturday. i watched it saturday. and i didn't know what to make of it when i started watching it. and through the entire movie i'm like they're so close any moment you think they're going to make a joke and they [bleep] don't and they play it totally straight and it's totally cheesy and
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totally weird. and it's not until like the very last scene where you are like okay they were [bleep] with everybody. so as i said while i was watching it on twitter it's basically snarkin additiono for moms. so so insightful was my tweet that it even got love on good morning america. take a listen. >> like sharkin additiono for moms. >> one person one person one person! one person. >> all right. >> now i don't ever expect anyone knows who i am. i genuinely don't care. obviously, i work on cable television that's fine. but if i meet people and they are like my friend says are you on tv and i don't watch you whatever. but are you [bleep] good morning america you should know, considering that one of the two shows i host gets higher ratings than good morning [bleep] america. (cheers and applause)
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so not this one it's the one where i talk about that zombie show. comedians, now to lifetime superseries audition for the next weepy lamp thrown extravaganza we will get your answers after the break and be right back with more @midnight the beast was as long as the boat. for seven hours, we did battle. until i said... you will not beat... meeeeee!!! greg. what should i do with your fish? gary. just put it in the cooler. if you're a fisherman, you tell tales. it's what you do. if you want to save fifteen percent or more on car insurance you switch to geico. it's what you do. put the fish in the cooler! you know i tried one of those bargain paper towels. but i had to use so many sheets per spill the roll just disappeared. i knew i should've bought bounty.
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. welcome back to @midnight. before the break i showed you kristin wiig and will ferrell in what ened up being the absolutely brilliant deadly adoption. i asked you to audition for their next supersappy lifetime movie. let's see what you came up with. let's start with you. >> who told denise what marshal said i told karen about samuel. why can't anyone keep a secretary et in this goddamn golf club. now it if you will excuse me i have to be alone near a window. >> yes. masterful. >> jason. >> how you could do this to me katharine. you slept with my twin brother. a man who has adult onset autism. a man who lost his genitals in a bizarre firecracker incident up on the cape. a man who only planned on being a man for another year.
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(applause) you made your bed now get ready to burn in it. >> yes. >> all right. randy, you're up. >> honey, come over here. you're to the going to throw yourself down these stairs. although that's what i'm going to tell the cops. >> all right. i think i will do thousand points to jay and 500 each to sara and randy as we go to our next game minor league majorly offensive. >> minor league baseball teams often have cooky promotions to drive attendance like these these are all real, by the way speed dating night george cass tanza night ::j]](urjñ giveaway night. but the angels rookie league affiliate orrin owls which
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sounds like the new defense against the dark arts teacher recently found themselves in a hoot load of trouble with their proposed god i wish i was kidding caucasian heritage night. oh no. even the ghost of ty cobb was like that's racist. now reacting to backlash turned their heads 180 degrees and cancelled the promotion. so comedians, i would like you to pitch me, some other poorly conceived minor league promotions in 60 seconds and begin. >> sara. >> duggers-- duggars in the dugout night. >> points. >> you couldn't fit them all in there. >> unregistered sex offender night. >> points. >> come shake hands with the rock's niece night. >> points. >> m night, you were dead the whole time. >> so good.
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>> points. >> unvaccinated child night. >> points. >> night of too many scars. >> yes. >> too many. >> points. >> jay. >> one in the stink night. >> part of their back door promotion. open up to it and understand what they do. >> points. >> this is quite a predictment because are you both sara and randy are both tied in second place. you know i love all of you so i'm taking everyone for for the win. let's all go together. time to read the articles it's for the win. nice job. >> former playmate holy madison released a scathing book about her time at the playboy mansion it turned out that a haunted castle where a skeleton dressed like a narcoleptic tug both starts off to runnaways is kind of gross. turns out it's kind of gross.
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she described heff master bedroom as an episode of orders and quote every single bathroom pool bar and tennis court was outfittedded with a tray of vasoline and kleenex. it sounds like a terrific-- wiper downer. so comedians considering the recent bad publicity that heav is now in his early 140s. the mansion might end up on the market again soon maybe and i would like you to give me a lane from the real estate listing of this sticky gothic tudor revival. we'll have our comedians answer and name a winner when we come back on @midnight.
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it looks kind of dope. that's pretty cool. this is the jam. pretty bomb dude. maybe i will go chevy. i'm definitely in. ♪ since you were a kid, it's been share this, share that share the road share your feelings. when does the sharing stop?! how about with the grilled stuft nacho from taco bell? the first nachos designed not to be shared
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wrapped up and ready to go for $1.49. [bong!] (cheers and applause) >> hello, welcome back to @midnight. it is time for for the win. i'm going to wipe your scores. wipe wipe wipe. all right. i will read your answer as loud. you the audience will decide the winner. before the break i told you about a scathing if you book exposing life in the playboy mansion and ask ud to do your best to find good selling points for when the mansion inevitably goes up for sale on zillo.com. let's see what you wrote. first one, the week of service we'll skim the-- out of the grotto

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